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Today, is the day I’ve been waiting for 6 long months for. I can’t begin to describe how frightened I am, nor can I describe the jubilation that this day has brought me. But alas, I shall try. I am so excited about the prospect of a brighter, thinner healthier future. I’ve change my entire outlook on life, and realize that this is a tool, and not a solution. Which is what I thought about 4 years ago when I first heard of this surgery. But now I understand that I had to get to where I’m at now to be ready for this surgery.

At 1:30 pm today I’ll be going in for surgery, and I couldn’t be happier. Or more scared. I think deep down the reason I haven’t packed yet is because I was scared. Scared of the surgery itself, the pain the will surely follow, but in the end I know that this is what’s best for me and my life. I just hope with out a doubt that it won’t be too bad and I’ll bounce back quickly. With no complication. Well time to get off here and get things together for the 2.5 hour trip… and prying my sister out of bed…

This past few days I’ve been bitching about being hungary, of course-liquid diets suck. But this morning when I hopped up on my scale it read 308 lbs…. that’s the lowest I’ve been in a few years. Its a long ways to go but I’m celebrating this little victory non-the-less.

I really feel that I should clarify that this is NOT EASY. And that people looking for an easy way out, should probably not consider gastric bypass. Its a hard lesson to refuse years of self abuse, carb cravings and sweet binges. Its hard to say that I want a nice meal out and not be able too because you’re not eating like that any more.

Its hard to look back and realize that while all of this time you’re hiding behind your weight, because of some reason or another… (fat people are harder to kidnap.) .. you’re missing out on life. Living is one of the hardest things to do in this world. (thank you Buffy.) I go by the fast food and restaurants around here and I sniff, pout and move on. I know that the food is bad for me, I know that its terrible and will go strait to my ass… but it tastes good and is generally cheaper than clean, healthy cooking. That’s sad. I can get a bag of doritos for $4 and a can of cheese salsa for $3 and have that for a meal rather then spend $5-10 on a healthy meal. I know you can do it, but its hard…

So I started this mantra that I learned while pledging AST. One of the sisters would ask you:

Are you motivated?

“MOTIVATED, MOTIVATED, DOWN RIGHT MOTIVATED, YOU CHECK ME OUT, YOU CHECK ME OUT HUUURAH!”

And this has been going through my head a lot since I’ve been feeling down about my strength in all of this. I seriously thought the other day that I would cancel the surgery continue with the gym, as long as I could get a fucking hoagie. I called my sister instead, [1.Ok I dialed my mother's phone number but she answered.] and talked to her and she’s told me flat out, “You’ve been wanting this for SO long, and you’re really going to throw it away for a hoagie? I know you’re afraid, but you’ve got this.”

Who says little sister’s don’t have some gems of encouragement? I went to the store and I bought a lot of sugar free pudding, rice pudding, cottage cheese in low fat, and came home and ate a small meal of cottage cheese and a pudding. (Boston Creme pie sugar free 60 cal ftw) and I read. I’ve been reading a lot and in fact while looking for 50 shades of grey everyone is rambling on about- I downloaded about 1000 books for my nook to read. Right now I’m reading the Sweep series, which is about a blood witch named Morgan who discovers she’s a witch, adopted and shenanigans ensue. The books aren’t long but they are good, and fast reads too. So I’ve been keeping busy. Hell I even broke out my Lego Pirates of the Caribbean game I bought but haven’t played yet.

I’ve also been playing W.o.W. going to Zumba and just generally enjoying life.

Oh and Happy Mother’s Day to all of you Mama’s, TTC, or Mama’s to be.

A few days ago I fell asleep on the couch waiting to pick up a friend from work, since he’s got no car.  I woke up with my hip hurting and apparently out of place. Its taken those few days to get my hip back into place. Last night I got very little sleep because of the cold weather and the fact that the heat , while on in the apartment wasn’t warming it up. AT ALL. So I managed to get very little sleep last night between bouts of pain with my hip and the cold. And I have to go pick up said friend for work soon and 15 min ago I was having trouble walking. YAHHH thankfully it took laying on the floor and moving my hip around to get it back in place.

So its now counting down till surgery. I am on a liquid diet as of now. And its excellent timing. When its super hot outside. I don’t cook. Period. I got some milk for the shakes and some almond milk for the chocolate shakes, for some reason to me it tastes better.

I’m ready. I can’t wait. I’m ready to see more results. I’m done with having an unhealthy life. I’ve also made a few choices when it comes to my future children.

Pagan homeschooling is one. I want my children to live in nature, and with nature- in harmony.

No fast food, junk food, high sugar content anything. I’ll be reading labels for them like I do for me.

No TV. I’m thinking that by limiting the media’s influence might help them raise their self esteem.

Sports activity is a must. They will chose an activity that’s active and one that’s creative. If they want to take on hiking that’s fine. As long as they are active. I don’t want my future children to be bullied like I was.

Well its off here for me. My rambling is enough for one day!

15 days until my surgery. 15 days until my life changes forever, 15 days until my road to becoming healthy takes off (its alright begun.) 15 days before I am going to have to go through everything and slowly change it out.

15 days of liquid diet… oh well I can do it. I know I can.

So back in November I signed up for Time Warner bundle package valuing at $145 a month including the Roadrunner digital mobile wifi device. I live in a pretty rural area I know that a lot of mobile stuff doesn’t work around here. I went on the website and looked at their map, my area was covered! Joy! Bliss!… only not.

The service of this company is crap. You’re on hold a lot, their representatives are dishonest. Why dishonest? Because I’m not stupid, I asked when I signed up how much a month it would cost, if there could be a block put on the the device to turn off roaming. I was told several times that it would happen. Yet every month on the bill there is roaming charges. Every.Single.Month.

I’ve had it. I’ve asked to get out of the 2 year agreement due to false advertisement with no fee, no they want the fee paid before they turn off the survice. I tell them that I have no choice I am turning them into the BBB, they say that’s fine.

Last night I was on the phone with them for, 4 hours. FOUR HOURS! They kept transferring me to the wrong department, or they’d put me on hold and I’d end up at the main menu getting a representative only to start the process over again- or to be hung up on, then repeat the process. I was told again last night the same line the used before. Only to find out today that the honest truth was far from the line.

I would give this company a 2 of 5 starts. They are not an honest company, I’ve had nothing but problems with the wifi department. The rest of the service is fine, but expensive. And if you downgrade, they try to get you to upgrade as soon as you can. Epic Fail.

Lately, ok for the past several months I’ve been trying to keep nail polish on my fingers and my fingers manicured. Why you ask? I have this terrible habit of picking at my nails, hang nails etc. SO I have 1100 hours of cosmetology right? So why not use it! My nails are not long and painted (for the moment.) in Renee the latest Julep Maven box color I got. I adore it, its a really soft, pretty lilac color.  So while my nails dry I am writing up this blog entry, then its back to cleaning.

I can’t believe its less than a month till my surgery! It kind of blows my mind. However, I ate something that disagreed with me today and it caused gas and instant bloat, not fun. Tomorrow I have a personal trainer sesson again since I had to miss last weeks. This one is at 9:30 (instead of the 7:30 am one on Wednesdays) so I hopefully will be able to get it taken care of then go to Zumba tomorrow night. I literally have to build myself back up to working out every single day. I was doing great until Grandpa died.

I’ve been reading this fantastic book by Sherri Shepard called ‘Permission Slips’ I highly recommend it to any women married, single, children or none. Its a good book about giving yourself a break and not being so hard on yourself.  I’ve taken a lot of what I’ve read into consideration since Grandpa’s passing. Instead of freaking out over my lack of going to the gym daily, I’ve given myself a break and forgiven that.

I also died my hair. Let me tell you about the new Garnier Frutise line of hair dye. They are all supposed to be on a minium of 10 min. My hair is resistant, even if its stripped, bleached and blond. (or in this case, blond, red, purple and one or two strips of hot pink) so I left it on for an hour. Hair dyes will not damage your hair if they are on that long, you probably will run into the dye looking black because it stopped processing. I thought my hair was black it was so dark. I had to touch up a few spots but other than that it’s all even now. But my hair was supposed to be a light auburn. Its a deep ruby red. I love it, I just have to laugh at the color change.

I’ve also been playing W.o.W. again. I got a three month card and made a blood elf hunter that’s now nearly a lvl 10.  What can I say? I love it!

One of the things that I am working on is getting my feelings out. To understand and accept them as they come. With that being said, its a lot harder than you’d think.   I’ve spent most of my life running from my feelings, running from people that care about me and love me and especially conflicts. I’ve realized that I have a lot to be thankful for, and a lot more to just let go of.

I’m handling things as they come and am doing rather well in handling the sorrow and anger that comes. I just hope I continue to be good with this, rather than bottle it up.

This is the review of an adult product, please do not click unless you’re 18 years of age. Thank you ♥
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In today’s modern day and age, and the concern with global warming, and being ‘green’ one must ask them selves how green their sex lives actually are. If you think about it, how many batteries does one go through. If they are like me and my collection A LOT, I have only a few rechargeable/electric toys. Why? Because they are bloody well expensive. I know that you save in batteries alone just having the recharge option, but still.
Solution? EdenFantasys one of the best and most trusted sex toy shops has a sale going on. For every Evolved toy you buy you help to plan one tree but hurry this ends April 23rd. One Toy One Tree is a fantastic campaign if you ask me. Evolved has toys such as the short and sweet collection which are amazing, but they also offer cute tins that you can recycle for various things, and because they lock you can put your toys in there or in my case I used it as an art tin … until my nice broke it.  All of the toys are marked down, and you get to green up your sex life, even if its a solo sex life.

Come one what are you waiting for? There’s many more promotions to be had. GO!